MORICHES, N.Y. — Remote IT contractor Derek Pemberton has revolutionized the modern workplace by successfully miniaturizing his colleagues from three separate full-time positions and juggling them during Microsoft Team meetings, sources confirmed Wednesday.
Pemberton, 34, who has been working as a cloud engineer for Palantir Technologies, unveiled his proprietary “Workplace Miniaturization Ray” after months of struggling to manage overlapping video conferences.
The device, which he built using spare Arduino boards and what he describes as “basic quantum physics stuff,” reduces human beings to approximately three inches in height while maintaining their full cognitive abilities and professional responsibilities.
“I was constantly muting and unmuting myself between simultaneous calls, pretending my camera was broken, the usual dance,” Pemberton explained.
“Then I realized, why not just make them smaller? I have been an avid juggler since my youth. I was actually conceived at a Ren Faire. I figured, now I can juggle them. It’s really improved my focus, and honestly, they seem to enjoy the aerial perspective during presentations. “
The palm-sized employees, who continue to receive their full salaries and benefits despite their reduced stature, have adapted remarkably well to their new circumstances.
“At first I was concerned about the commute,” said three-inch-tall marketing director Shanon Sanderson, speaking from the palm of Pemberton’s left hand during a client pitch. “But now I just live in my desk drawer. It’s like living in a giant loft apartment, and the 401k matching is still competitive.”
Pemberton laments, “Some people say I was caught. But, I am the one doing the catching. I am literally juggling tiny humans in my hands. I am a god.”
